Spring Pictures. And... Processing

This is going to be a weird post. 
 

I never posted these pictures that I took back in the spring, though I meant to. 



I must have been preoccupied with early pregnancy or having three kids under 4 or something. 




Anyways, I love them--so here they are. 
 

We took the kids on an after-dinner stroller walk along the creek and took a few wildflower-photo-opp-breaks. 




GOSH it's nice that Daniel is on board with these types of things.  There is no way I could pull this off without his help. 
 

We had a blood test at 10 weeks that told us we were having a girl. 
 

We named her Millie Kate, had a little tote embroidered with that name, and had stocked the Clursery with new girl clothes (some gifts, some hand-me-downs) during those next 10 weeks before the ultrasound that said "boy." 



We were shocked during the ultrasound.  More than shocked, actually.



How do you grieve a baby that never existed?  How do you move on from a "loss" that was entirely in your head? 

 

These are questions I've wrestled with over the past 5 weeks. 



I stumbled across a text conversation with a friend from a year ago. 



It was from the day after Oliver's birth, and in it--these were my exact words: "We'd like to have a 4th baby, so this is probably our second-to-last. I think we'll find out the gender next time b/c my oldest is currently the only girl, and I want her to be able to prepare for another brother (or sister) when that time comes. I wouldn't want her to be hoping for a sister (for example) for months and months and then be disappointed, ya know?"
 

The irony is not lost on me that instead of the perfectly planned, expectation-managed situation I anticipated back then... Lucy instead was told for about 8 weeks that she would have a baby sister named Millie and that they would be sisters for life and would play together and would always be friends.  




The reality, when it hit, was tough on her and tough on us.  She's young, of course, and was able to accept baby Charlie as the new reality relatively quickly.  




I think a mother's heart, once bonded to the idea of a certain baby, can be more difficult.  





Baby Charlie will arrive in November and will be the perfect addition to our family.  



He will have a special bond with each of his brothers and with his big sister, and we will love him to pieces.  
 

But the truth is that I am still processing.  


And I'm trying to give myself time and space to feel all the things I wish I could be done feeling.  


I'm anxious to hold baby Charlie and move on with our family of a girl and three boys.  



I can't wait to see his face.